


I Win

by Geri_Lea



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-28
Updated: 2013-11-28
Packaged: 2018-01-02 21:19:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1061764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geri_Lea/pseuds/Geri_Lea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark tries to move on from the mess with Sebastian in 2010 during the following season.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Win

It’s not the same anymore. Not just between them, but with the whole team. Mark had felt the pull in the team towards his teammate from the very beginning, but he’d convinced himself it didn’t matter, and when he was with his teammate, and all those cheeky smiles had been just for him, he hadn’t cared about any of it.

But then there was Turkey and _that_ collision. And then there were no longer secret smiles between him and Sebastian, there were no more moments and no more encounters that made him feel closer to happiness than he ever had. There’d been disappointment on his behalf and anger on Sebastian’s. And the pull he felt in the team became a slow shift, attention and focus moving towards Sebastian and suddenly it didn’t feel like nothing to Mark.

How fast everything had crashed around him from that point. Sebastian and he didn’t even look at each other when passing the other, and Mark felt like the outsider in the team. The smiles and greetings were given to Sebastian, the hugs, praise and reassurances seemingly bypassing him. And all Mark could do is stand on the sidelines and watch with an ever increasing envy and the bitter realisation he lost. Lost Sebastian, lost his team, lost the title and it hurt; it hurt more than he could ever imagine.

But there was time to heal, time to move on during the 2010 break. That’s what they all kept saying anyway, and Mark ensures that those precious few weeks he had to himself over the break are just that – no thoughts of the season past, no thoughts of Sebastian and of a team that he wishes could hurt like he hurt.

He spent those weeks slowly rebuilding himself and putting up walls, making them stronger till he felt delightfully numb and words like Sebastian Vettel and world champion, no longer tore at his insides. He thinks he might like feeling nothing and he felt like he was ready for 2011. This year he was going to win, title or no title, he was going to win and ensure that no matter what, he would never let himself be in the same position where Sebastian held that much power over him.

When the new season kicks off, he ignores the media’s comments about how withdrawn he was, and how closed off he was. No one understood that if he was anything else that he wouldn’t last the season. Because underneath the cool exterior and distant looks was still very much a broken man with a broken heart, but no one looked that deep, not even himself.

But all his preparation didn’t seem enough when he watched at not only the first race of the season, but his home race, as his apparently perfect teammate took a win that he craved. To feel hurt over it, after he was sure that he had done everything to stop his bloody teammate getting to him, made him hate Sebastian just that little bit more. All Mark can do was make the promise to try harder, build thicker walls because this was a battle he wasn’t going to lose – he wasn’t sure he could afford to lose this battle.

Mark figures he must have succeeded because as the season progresses, it gets easier. Finishing behind his teammate isn’t acceptable, it pushes him to work harder but it doesn’t hurt like it used to. He can even make small talk with him now which for some reason leaves Sebastian smiling brighter than ever. Mark wishes he didn’t notice those things.

It allows the coldness between them to thaw out though, leaving them with somewhat of a lukewarm relationship. It’s nothing like what it was, and sometimes, late at night Mark let’s himself reminisce about how things used to be. He remembers the times when his bed would never be empty during a race weekend, when Sebastian would flash him cheeky smiles, text him stupid German jokes and lewd suggestions to distract him from his race setup. During those moments of weakness, which he refused to acknowledge in the morning, he aches for Sebastian in a way he hadn’t let himself the prior year.

It seemed Sebastian was putting in the effort Mark refused to make to put their relationship back. Mark detested it, resisted even though Sebastian would sometimes bound around him like everything was perfect and would invite him to lunch, to dinner, for drinks, to celebrate his never ceasing fucking wins. But every single time Mark refused, rushing away each time to attempt to hurriedly patch up his walls - because Sebastian seemed to be scratching his way in slowly; Mark was terrified that he would cave, that his wall would crumble down and he’d just go back. Why couldn’t Sebastian understand that they couldn’t just go back; that things wouldn’t be like they used to be.

It was in Korea when he broke, they’d won the constructors title. The dark part of himself that Mark desperately pretended wasn’t there finally pushed through. He’ll blame it on the alcohol until the day he died, rather than the fact that he had been longing for Sebastian, that he had been missing Sebastian. It was the alcohol that saw him give in and fall back into bed with his teammate. But for some drunken fuck he remembered way too many details.

He remembered the way that Sebastian had held onto him, tight enough to bruise him. He could remember that Sebastian had seemed desperate, that the whole thing between them had felt desperate, touches, kisses, the fucking. But the one thing that he wanted to forget more than anything was Sebastian gasping out to him before he came that he loved him, before the words turned into a scream of his name. All he had been able to do, was leave the moment it was over, trying to not think about the fact that Sebastian had been sitting in the middle of the bed asking him to stay, before sobbing when he’d turned his back and left in spite of the request.

At least Sebastian avoided him then, it gave him time to regroup, to pull himself together before he did something stupid. He really wouldn’t have learnt anything if he just gave in and ran right back. Maybe Sebastian wasn’t happy with how much he’d successfully broken him last season. Maybe Sebastian wanted to try and finish the job. Mark was positive that Sebastian didn’t love him but just wanted to ensure that he completely smashed him into a million pieces permanently, because it just apparently it wasn’t okay that he was starting to glue himself back.

But the season was wrapping up now, it was Brazil and he was almost through it. One tiny slip up in Korea, because he was drunk, had left him with a near perfect season, not with racing of course, but with keeping it Sebastian-less. He was going to go home, pat himself on his back and then maybe cry into a glass of something strong.

Or maybe he hadn’t gotten out of the season just yet, because now he finds a sad looking German standing at his door, with those beautiful eyes looking weepy. “Did you leave early because I showed up?” Sebastian dives right to the point, referring to the fact that Mark had bailed on their team party early.

Mark purses his lips to refrain from answering; he was going back to the not talking between them.

The silence just has Sebastian’s face crumple as he asks hoarsely, “How much longer are you going to punish me for winning the title last year?” There’s some pathetic noise that was probably Seb choking on a sob. “You said racing wouldn’t come between us, but you’re the one that let it…”

The hand that Mark still rested on the door knob grips it tightly, his knuckles turning white. He should just step back and slam the door. He was so close to getting through the season, and he knew if he did this season without Sebastian that next year would be a walk in the park.

“Please say something to me,” Sebastian was begging now. “I know you still have feelings for me, I know it Mark. Please stop this now. _Please_.”

Mark seriously hoped that all the trembling he felt was just on the inside because if Sebastian saw just how weak he was, than this was all over. And he wasn’t going to lose this battle! He opens his mouth to speak, his throat clamped shut as he struggles to force out his words, “I told you in Abu Dhabi last year Sebastian, you don’t get both; me and the title.”

“But I still love you…” Sebastian wasn’t even trying to hold back his tears now and Mark feels the ache spread in his chest from the sight. “I…I waited…gave you…you time. Christian said….said you needed time…” His stammered sentences trail off as he is overcome with sobs.

It was too much, Mark could feel the whole year’s worth of work in his battle falling away. All he can do is step back into his suite and slam the door in his crying teammate’s face, in Sebastian’s face, in his ex-lover’s face. And for the first time since the season started, Mark weeps. He slides down the closed door till he is sitting on the ground and then simply cries. He cries because Sebastian walks away from the other side of the door and he cries because he won. He won and Sebastian lost, so everything will be okay now. Everything will be okay…right?


End file.
